Unexpected changes can feel meaningful

Unexpected change can upset what feels normal, but it also gives you a chance to think and choose your path. You have the power to respond on purpose, adjust your values and goals if needed, and find meaning in how you handle change.

As an autistic person, I find changes challenging. For example, when my usual go-to dining spots shut down or close for renovations, it can be really upsetting. It’s hard to find a place where I feel comfortable, where the staff are friendly, the food options suit my sensory needs, and I can enjoy my meal without harsh lights or loud music.

Over time, I’ve learned that change is a part of everyday life. Just like you eventually graduate from school and move on to new stages, I’m learning to accept that some things will shift, and I can find new ways to adapt and feel okay. Even unexpected changes can bring meaning and open the door to new experiences.

Five years ago, I was in a very dark place. I had to make some difficult life decisions, cut ties with negative influences, and work hard to leave unhealthy habits behind. Some days, I still find it hard to move forward. But here are a few reminders that helped me, and I hope will help you too.

“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” – Epictetus

Meaning is deeply personal

What feels meaningful to you might not feel the same to someone else. Some people find meaning in helping others. For others, it might be spending quiet time with loved ones. Some find meaning in climbing the career ladder, while others find it through creativity or learning something new. That’s because meaning comes from your experiences, your values, and what matters most to you.

So, go easy on yourself and lose the need/compulsion to compare with others. Start channeling your efforts towards what is meaningful to you. Celebrate your progress and wins, even if it feels simple or small to you. You'll learn that every little thing that helps you move forward in your life journey is significant and never too small.

Change disrupts what feels normal

Again, what feels normal to you might not feel the same to others. But essentially what it means here is moving away from what has been making sense to you all this while. Whether we decide to make a deliberate change or it catches us by surprise, change unsettles our routines and expectations, and often forces us to consider where we’re headed. For example, the earlier generations may feel a lose of normalcy when they moved from living in kampungs to HDB apartments. And in more recent years, how the pandemic changed our usual ways of living and working.

If things shift in a direction that doesn't feel right to you, remember that you have the ability to choose your response. You can reflect, adjust your values and goals if needed, and take steps to move forward in a way that makes sense to you.

For a very long time, I had been indoctrinated to live with the consequences and I had no choice. It was in this very dark period of my life where I learned that there's no way deeper I can fall when I'm at the bottom of the pit. It was then I learned about personal agency, and what it means to be responsible for my decisions in a healthy way.

Through journaling and therapy, I took some time to reflect on the influence I had surrounded myself with. There's this saying about you being the average of the five persons you spend the most time with. So, do consider if your relationships are healthy and reciprocal. Do you find yourself energized or drained when with them? Is the other party's language and/or behavior demeaning or abusive toward you? Have you outgrown certain friendships?

Lead yourself first

About 95% of our brain activity happens automatically, without us even noticing. Practicing self-leadership means becoming more aware and intentional about your thoughts and actions. Here are some ways to take charge of your own positive change:

• Check in with yourself regularly to see how you’re feeling and what you need.

• Stay connected to your values.

• Take responsibility for the choices you make everyday.

• Manage your emotions so they don’t control your actions.

• Celebrate your efforts and progress, not just the wins.

• Learn from mistakes instead of overly critical on yourself.

• Reflect on your day or week to see what worked and what didn’t.

Lead through your everyday actions

We often think that leadership is a management title, or a position of authority in our family or community. But there are many forms of leadership, including leading without formal authority.

I learned that practicing leadership is reflected in how you treat others, the choices you make, and the care and courage you bring to everyday moments. Here are some ways to create positive change from wherever you stand:

• Recognize and appreciate the efforts of those around you.

• Show kindness, even in small ways like a smile or a thank you.

• Share what you know to help others grow.

• Listen openly without judgment.

• Welcome different perspectives.

• Speak up when quieter voices need to be heard.

• Step forward to solve problems and offer help when someone gets stuck.

Reflection

Take five minutes to reflect on this:

• How do I usually react when things change suddenly?

• What is most important to me, and how can I keep that in mind when things change?

While change may feel unsettling, remember that you can always choose how it affects your life. Try taking small, everyday actions that reflect who you are right now.

And if those actions do not feel meaningful to you, it could be that they no longer align with this current version of you.