Healing Through Financial Empowerment

Content warning: This post contains content that some readers may find disturbing. Please engage in self-care as you read this post.

For a long time, I had to ask permission to spend the money I earned. I was conditioned to put their extravagant desires above my own basic needs. For that, I delayed medical care (where not covered by company insurance) and put up with what I never will put myself through again.

While holding full-time jobs, I was constantly hustling to make extra money on the side to pay for their luxurious wants. I would sort out unused items and make handicrafts to sell online or at markets. I tried multi-level marketing, but that just wasn't something I'm good at. And I would attend night school and online courses that I had no interest in but I know would improve my earning power at my day job.

My insecurities over the years made it hard to feel confident in my financial future. Just like in the first five years after receiving cancer treatment, I was so afraid of not being able to secure a good job as I thought no employer would want me. Then, how would I financially afford to keep them happy?

Discipline in paying my insurance premiums on time paid off. I received a payout from the critical illness plan amongst others. I thought the payout would be sufficient to take care of my medical needs and cover any period of temporary unemployment.

Then someone gleefully said the payout could cover more vacations.

It reminded me of the time I scrimped and saved to make my own ends meet while sending $5,000 so they can have a worry-free vacation. That was about two months of my take-home salary.

Or my birthday trip where they would pay for everything provided I make the arrangements and pay for it upfront with my credit card first.

I just don't know what more else anyone would ask of me, as I had truly feared I would lose my life there and then when the scalpel hit a "not-locally-anesthesia-ed" spot during my first ever surgery. The first phase of my cancer treatment.

And then there was the lack of care and concern when I repatriate from Singapore to Thailand to continue my employment then during the Covid-19 pandemic.

"They" were a group of people I no longer want in my life. I gave them chance after chance, but all I became was the doormat they stepped on to dust off their shoes. I won’t let them back into my life unless their behavior truly change.

These people had emotional control over every penny I was earning. Gaslighting. Guilt tripping. Yelling at me. The long list...

Am I not providing enough for them? Why am I funding things that I can't even enjoy the benefits of? Am I paying to stay in these relationships? Here I am breaking apart, but all they can say is "MORE!!"

Even when I was asked to pay upfront on behalf, it was so difficult to recover the monies. They would rather chalk up a hefty credit card bill than to ever part with a hundred to appease me.

I may be a university graduate, but I knew nothing about financial literacy other than paying bills on time. Even the insurance policies I bought and funded were due to trusting those who benefited from the transaction. When I read about financial abuse, I wasn't sure if that was what I was experiencing since I had access to my bank accounts.

But I knew I was financially disempowered.

Like the young me who lent her $1 allowance to the neighbor, only to be denied repayment until her parents were alerted. And since we shared the same school bus, I was made to remain friends with someone I could no longer trust.

And perhaps that’s why I was so gullible, losing a large sum of money to someone I had never even met. “He” showered me with dedicated attention I hadn’t felt in decades of emotional neglect. His ultimate trigger line was, “If you don’t help me, no one else will.”

By April 2021, my bank accounts were empty. I had even cashed in several insurance policies to “help” what I believed was a desperate, life-and-death plea. “He” went as far as demanding that I persuade my ex-husband to sell the marital home while we were finalizing the divorce.

I guess I found some relief when my ex-husband wanted to remain staying at the property, otherwise there might have been two of us without a roof.

All I asked was for him to refund my CPF contributions to this HDB apartment at a prime tourist location. Of course, people around me called me foolish for walking away without any financial gain from the divorce.

So in my late 30s, I was left with nothing. I had no house, no money... yeah, no honey either.

But maybe that was a kind of freedom. With nothing left to lose, I realized no one had any emotional hold on me anymore.

I was just grateful to have found employment, even if it was initially short-term. Honestly, I was concerned that cancer symptoms would reappear while trying to prove myself as I re-enter the workforce.

With my monthly salary, after mandatory and household contributions, I cut my discretionary expenses to the bare minimum. I hardly went out as that would mean topping up the transportation fare card.

It took me more than a year to save up, but for the first time, I felt financially safe with an emergency fund in place that no one else could touch.

True wealth, for me, lies in feeling secure and empowered in my ability to achieve my financial goals (no matter how small), while being able to continue make a living and be able to take care of my immediate and future needs.

I may not have as much financially now as compared to what I had lost. But for sure, I'm no longer a doormat.

Now in my 40s, I'm learning to live a life with dignity and self-respect.

With the emergency find I had saved, the first emergency I used it for was to take better care of myself and sought treatment for the intense emotions I were feeling even when there are no apparent triggers. I was diagnosed with autism (a neurodevelopmental condition), and subsequently with dysthymia (a mental health condition). Both conditions helped me understand why I stayed in unhealthy relationships/friendships for way too long.

Through counselling covered by my company benefits, I learned to set and maintain boundaries. Through journaling and lots of introspection, I figured out what are my non-negotiables, i.e. deal-breakers.

I am glad I now have healthy relationships. I'm happily remarried, and yes, we hold hands in our 40s. I have a supportive manager at work, whom I'm collaborate closely to push for inclusion and belonging and mental wellbeing initiatives. Both relationships are covered in my interview with Channel News Asia. And I've made new friends outside work, and we encourage each other on our life journeys.

I also have a healthier relationship with money. I no longer had to ask permission to spend what I earn, and it's after much inner work that I now recognize I am worthy of spending my own hard-earned salary on both my needs and my wants. Occasionally I would take myself for solo dates at restaurants, or buy some nice stationery. While I don't keep my discretionary expenses to a bare minimal nowadays, I am able to set aside money to build an emergency fund again and have some for retirement savings. It's a big catch-up considering I have to restart saving for retirement at this later age.

Looking back, it sure took me a series of turbulent life events to learnt this.

No.

That's a full sentence by itself. Nobody should ever have the power and control to make you do something you're not comfortable with.

And it warms my heart my 1+ year old niece already understands this, and is able to say "no" with confidence.