Breast cancer is back... six years later...

It's been some time since I updated this website. I don't feel as energetic, and has been sleeping more than usual. Last Wednesday, the surgeon revealed my biopsy as malignant, and the bilateral mastectomy scheduled for next Tuesday.

She advised for a unilateral one, so my body would focus on recovering on the cancerous site. However I knew I couldn't live with a constant reminder... in every shower, in every falling bra strap adjustment... that the survived breast would be soon be going through what the disappeared twin had been subjected in these six years. Already, having worn the tight post-surgery bra contraption day and night during these three weeks had been a bad reminder.

I was firm in my decision, one I've peace with six years ago.

The past two days, Chris and I had to go through the "ordeal" of informing people I cared about, and that I don't want any visitors upsetting me right now, and that no one was going to convince me otherwise. This was the best way I know to greatly reduce my risk of recurrence, and the best way I know to self-preserve my mental health.

Six years ago, I was worried that I would feel less of a woman with a body like mine. But in these six years, I've learned so much more about life and myself, that womanhood is more than a shapely body or childbearing abilities. I had been living my life without zest, going through with the flow, running on the hamster wheel and repeating unhelpful patterns just because I was constantly in fear of what other people's opinions, that I would be a walking embodiment of shame and dishonor, that I wouldn't fit in to societal expectations of "normalcy"... so much burden that I never realized had forced me into depression.

It is only in recent years that I've learned to drop these heavy baggage and live according to what I find peace in. I've also learned to recognize the people whom made me feel safe and protected through their actions, and not words. People who didn't scold me but cared for me even though I puked a mess on their carpeted floor in the wee hours of the morning and woke their baby. People who found joy in the everyday life - including neighborhood chickens - and taught me how to find peace within myself and in God's bountiful providence. Most of them aren't blood related. Most of them haven't even been in my life that long. But oddly, all of them remind me of my worth as a fellow human being, that I too deserve dignity.

A fellow survivor wrote to me, "I'm guessing you are probably the one that gives, the one that serves. I encourage you to be prepared to receive and find health and healing as you do."

From 5 May 2026 onwards, another new chapter of life begins.

I honestly don't know how long the recovery period would be. Or how the future would pan out, whether in terms of my career, my livelihood, whatever else. Right now, I'm keeping a positive mindset and encouraging the people around me to do the same. Staying hopeful and optimistic would definitely be a greater help towards my full recovery.

That said, I won't be online much - definitely not active on LinkedIn, maybe on-off active on Instagram. If you want to connect regarding your mental health, I can be reached on my personal email and WhatsApp, but would be slower in response.

I also don't wish to have visitors that soon after surgery too. I need time to accept my own body, and settle my mind. And somehow I think I would feel like the bearded lady on display in the circus. I don't think I can bear the curious looks of people on my newly flat chest. Six years ago, I had women I hang out with, telling to my face that they can't see the difference over my clothes... And most recently my surgeon had reminded me twice that my right is already one-third of my left.

Right now, I'm holding on to my peace and just looking forward to bra-less days ahead.